re squandered moments

i'm sitting next to the window of the coffee shop

a blue bottle in Los angeles

having a "relaxing morning reading over a cup of coffee"

I think if someone took a photo, it could be in a guidebook

but inside

i'm thinking about how much I hate my father

and how much I love him

and how could I hate my father and also love myself?

perhaps I love and hate myself too. I think about this too much

they are damaging thoughts unless I do something about them.

a woman walks in pushing a stroller.

I take a sip of my coffee.

and I think back to my time in New York city with my friends in "that era" where we were all running around with mad smiles and being crazy

and remember the times that I stopped to appreciate it. they were relatively rare. packed shoulder to shoulder in a bar

it is now long over for everyone but the memories in my mind.

could I have enjoyed it more?

was I even supposed to be there?

what does it mean to live in the moment? to appreciate the moment? how do we not "waste" our lives and time?

these are the questions we only sometimes ask after the ride has stopped

and in this moment now, years after it's ended, I realize

all that it ever was

was reality that I on some level was refusing to live in

it's just that.

all the moments we spend dislocated from reality

it can last for years.

so we always need to practice

breathe

settle into the moment

see it clearly

see it backwards and forwards

see how it's connected

relax

it is the only way to never squander a moment

what is your reality now?