when it all fell away

i think there's a day in everyone's life

the day they realized their thoughts and who they are were not the same

and you look at nothing quite the same again

it's like stepping from inside to outside

i was curled under the covers last night, the combination a/c heater burring on the wall

and the moment came that always comes for me

like my thoughts wait for this moment to attack

and suddenly they did. soon, i felt like i made too many mistakes, that it was too late, and then for the killer blow the voice told me that even it didn't love me. the betrayal!

and then i realized that everything happening in my mind was unguided disarray

unreal. or no more real than any other thought i could conjure

and after decades of going to sleep like this, i felt chased, i felt exhausted, i felt like i couldn't run anymore or do this anymore

and that's when i realized i had to let go of these thoughts

that aren't mind

before they hurt me more. before i hurt others more

before i spent the next forty years in this trap

of thinking myself no go

but i didn't stop all these intrusive thoughts by letting go

they weren't mine to begin with

but instead i imagined that they were pieces of metal junk stuck to me

something "other"

and then i envisioned them falling off one by one

and i woke up in the morning

unstuck